Log in

No account? Create an account
About this Journal
Current Month
Nov. 13th, 2015 @ 09:46 pm I just am not sure what to think, but I am sure all is okay
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
So, here I come to my place where I can talk about what is on my mind and hopefully have little to no one reading. I almost feel silly posting this. Almost. Thing is, once you have been through what I went through 2 years ago, it is always there. A fear that it could happen again, but hoping, and knowing ~ with a certainty ~ that it wouldn't happen ...

I posted about this. Two years ago, I was dealing with the pain of (what I did not know this time 2 years ago) a brain tumor. The symptoms started in June, 2013 and on Dec. 2, I was in a 4 hour surgery and came out well.

The reason I am bringing this up now is because mid-October, I started feeling a familiar stiffness in my neck. When I saw my doctor for my annual check-up on October 22, I mentioned something about it. We blew it off as scar tissue, cooler weather, and rainy days. Twice, I have seen a round purple aura - One over someone's head at a grocery store and the other driving (I think it was). My neck is still stiff, and some days, it absolutely drives me crazy. The only difference between what I am experiencing now compared to June of 2013 is that my neck pops quite a bit ... I can not tell if it is a tendon/ligament pop or a bone/joint pop. My neck periodically has a fatigue/burning feeling. And something I am now noticing is my left eye is far more blurry than it should be (moreso at the end of the day). Then, there are times my neck is so tight that I feel as though I can barely move it and there are mild spasms. And, well, I am tired and have struggled all week in my gym workouts.

Really, it is probably nothing. The stupid internet has me almost feeling like I have an aneurysm. My biggest fear is my tumor is reforming - and it can do that, considering the type of tumor I had. I did start doing full body push-ups not soon before this started. I am wondering if I just really jacked up my neck.

Regardless, I called Spine and Neuro Center to see what my neurologist's nurse thought. Then I found out my neurologist is no longer there. Sad. I really liked him. But, an MRI is arranged for next Tuesday and I have a check-up with a new neurologist the following week.

It is probably nothing. I keep telling myself that. In all honesty, it is VERY rare that my tumor will regrow. But, I will feel better having some resolution and some comfort in my neck.
About this Entry
Oct. 11th, 2015 @ 12:01 pm I was physically abused today
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
I am coming here, because I know so few people are here anymore. This morning, my husband put his hands on me. He threatened to pull me out of the house by my hair and proceeded to do so. It hurt, so I started pulling his hair in self defense to get him to let go. Then he put his hand in my face and scratched it. All I could do was cry and scream.

I take classes to make myself stronger and all I could do was cry and scream.

My face hurts where I was scratched and I am just not sure where my life is going from here.

I buried my cat of 17 years on Saturday, after he passed from renal failure. I am trying to entertain Friends from Georgia. I am just thankful they were not here when my husband tried to physically remove me from my house.

Hopefully, no one will read this. I just need to get it out. I totally hate my life right now.

I have been abused. It is not okay.
About this Entry
Oct. 26th, 2014 @ 09:52 pm It just gets better
Current Mood: sadsad
My husband told me that I am a demon as I cried in front of him and then told me I ruined his night twice tonight. What woman needs to hear this???
About this Entry
Oct. 26th, 2014 @ 08:52 pm Heart broken
Current Mood: sadsad
So, I want to post this. Did not want to do this on Facebook as so many will see. I am happy I have this Live Journal account, as I know no one will really see it (so what does it matter, right).... my heart is very sad tonight.

Today, I found out that three personal friends of mine are pregnant. This adds to several more friends that are currently pregnant. So, my social circle of friends are pregnant.

I am actually crying about this tonight and my husband does not understand. He is actually upset with me that I am sad about this. It may be that I will not have a child. Not with him. How can someone be so insensitive??

This is my life and my future and he does not sympathize. My heart is broken.

All I can do is pray. Will I get a chance at being a mom one day???
About this Entry
Dec. 19th, 2013 @ 04:45 pm It is a WONDERFUL Christmas
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
This will definitely be a different post, as the past few have been about my attempts to get pregnant. I am beyond happy that all of my attempts to conceive have been unsuccessful. On December 1st, I was admitted to the ER due to severe pain on the right side of my neck.

This is a pain I have been feeling for months and got really severe in October. I thought I had pulled a muscle or injured a disc (and I remember telling someone that I wondered if I broke my neck somehow). The pain was BAD and nothing would touch it. I went to my family doctor on Oct. 5 and had x-rays done. The doctor told me that I had no curve in my neck. This is something I was told years ago by a chiropractor. My doctor thought that I had weak muscles and referred me to physical therapy for three weeks (one session a week). I did not respond to physical therapy and my therapist told me to go back to my doctor and insist that I have a CT scan. He told me he thought something else was going on, such as a pinched nerve or maybe nerve damage of some type. We thought that had to be the case, because not only did the pain not go away, but my vision would periodically go crazy. In July (that is when I first started feeling the neck pain), I would black out. Within a few weeks, the pain and the blacking out got better. When things intensified in October, it was while I was in physical therapy that my eyes did not see correctly. My right eye vision would go up, and my left eye vision would go down (for lack of a better description). I also experienced lines and auras out of my left eye.

Thinking maybe I just had knotted muscles, I found a chiropractor and immediately started chiropractic muscle therapy and adjustments. I had 2 sessions a week for about a month before taken to the ER. My chiropractor thought my muscles were trying to pull a curve in my neck and she saw some rotated discs on my x-ray taken in October. Still, that offered no relief. At this point, starting in October, I was in severe pain all the time. Since Lortab and muscle relaxers did not work, I started taking Aleve and walking around all the time with an ice pack. A few weeks before going to the ER, I pretty much did not sleep well. I could only sleep on one side, and if I sat up to change positions, my neck would almost feel as though it was spasming, and the pain was horrible. If I slept on my back, when my head rolled on the pillow, then the ceiling would spin like a record. I had a lot of vertigo with this. I was fortunate that when I drove to work, my vision never went crazy and I never had vertigo.

I had a REALLY bad day the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and went straight to my doctor after work to beg for a CT scan. She was closed for Thanksgiving. The Friday after Thanksgiving, I made an appointment and as soon as I entered, I had a neck spasm so severe that I was unable to do much. I was put in a back room to lay down. The doctor saw me, still thought that I had weak muscles and documented me as non-responsive to any treatment, so she referred me to an Orthopedic Surgical center. She said that if they wanted to do a CT scan, then they could make the choice and go from there. I was told they would call me on Monday to schedule an appt.

On Sunday, I was in the ER. I woke up that morning in horrible pain and was throwing up. I was unable to lean over the toilet, because my neck hurt terribly. So, I was holding a large bowl trying to keep things in it. My husband insisted I go to the ER, and he picked me up and sat me in my recliner, so that he could dress and get some things together. At that point, everything in sight appeared on the ceiling and I thought I was on my back. I told my husband to leave me on the floor, that I was done with the pain and the weird vision. I was ready to never, ever feel it again. He got me out of the recliner, helped me down the stairs, and got me to the car. In the ER, after I saw triage, I apparently had a seizure and blacked out. I was taken for a CT scan and a brain tumor was seen on my scan.

I was emergency transferred to another hospital and after spending 7 hours in their ER, was put in the Neuro-ICU. My mother said when she first saw me, my face and lips had the color of a person who was dead. She also said my neck and face were swollen. I had surgery on December 2nd. The surgery lasted about 4 hours and it was speculated I would come out not doing well. The doctors thought that they may have to leave my tubes in my throat, so that if my brain started swelling, they would hyperventilate me to reduce the swelling. I guess things looked good enough for them to remove the tubes, because when I came out of anesthesia, I was disoriented, afraid, and talking. Once my mother heard me talking, she knew I was fine. I stayed in the neuro-ICU from Sunday to early Wednesday, and then I was put in a private room early Wednesday afternoon. I was discharged on Saturday, December 7th.

The tumor (hemangioblastoma) was the size of a golf ball. It was located on the lower part of my brain above my brain stem. It caused fluid build up and pressure on my brain, and it crushed one of the ventricles in my brain (I do not know to what degree). It was also pressing on my optical nerve.

I am currently staying with my mother as I recover. She lives a good hour from where I live My husband and I have never been apart for this length of time. Bless his heart, he has gone through SO much. He saved my life. I love him for that. He started working a new job in July and we just did not think it wise that he take off for fear they might let him go. He also carries our insurance. I will be with my mother until mid-January. This way, I can be out and about (I am not cleared to drive) and recover with no stress. If I were home alone, I would not sit. I would clean and take care of my 5 cats. I go for another CT scan on Jan. 6 and see my neurologist on Jan. 13. From there, he will decide if I can go back to work.

God is GOOD!!!!! I am a walking miracle. Had I been pregnant through all of this, then that would have been harder for both my husband and me. I had a scan of my pituitary gland 2 years ago. My thyroid went bad and my endocrinologist wanted to see if I had a small tumor on my pituitary gland. My neurologist saw that scan and said that the tumor I had removed was there (minus the fluid cyst). The radiologist who read that scan apparently did not see my tumor. I did not have one on my pituitary gland, but this tumor was missed. This tumor could have been in my brain for years and my brain learned to live with it.

I will NOT waste this second chance at life. I plan to pray more, go back to church, and just make the difference I have always wanted to make.

Merry Christmas! The gift of life is the best gift I have ever received.brain surgery
About this Entry
Jun. 20th, 2013 @ 02:29 pm Fertility blog - A LOT on my mind
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
I have a heavy load on my mind and I just need to give it to God. I was scrolling through on Facebook and saw a where a dear friend of mine posted she is pregnant. I think she was told she could not have kids, and look what happened to her. Anyway, as I was trying to be happy for her and not shed tears for myself and my situation (and I really am happy for her), this popped up:

"Jesus said to His disciples, “Don't be worried! Have faith in God and have faith in Me." John 14:1

I have had two failed IUIs. Many failed natural attempts, and I just had a laparoscopy a week ago to see if I had anything structurally wrong with me to cause me to be infertile. Thank goodness my doctor did not find anything, but I was hoping for some easy answer. Now I am back to square one with what to do. I did read that some women find success in conceiving after a laparoscopy. During the procedure, my doctor pushed dye through my tubes and such to see if anything was blocked, and as a as a result, I was "flushed" out. So, per recommendation from my doctor, my husband and I are going to try on our own again for a few months. No fertility meds, no doctor's visits, just us .... I am okay with that. I needed a break, anyway.

If by the grace of God, this does not work, I will do one more IUI, and if that does not work, then we are going to plan for an IVF. But, I am going to HAVE to believe it will be my turn one day. I HAVE to be strong.

"Jesus said to His disciples, “Don't be worried! Have faith in God and have faith in Me." John 14:1

I can not let someone else's WONDERFUL news (something I want so badly), get me down and shake my faith. I am happy for her. She is one of maybe 5 people I know (family and friends) who have gotten pregnant during the time I have been seeking help from a fertility doctor.
About this Entry
Feb. 8th, 2013 @ 07:07 pm fertility blog
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
It seems I am meant to have a really crappy period. The IUI did not work.

I almost wonder if I was late because I had a cyst. I have been hurting a great deal and when I started on Wednesday night, I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. Tremendous amount pain and I am still tender. I think I had a cyst. The nurse speculated that my endometriosis has returned.

I have to say, I wish the IUI worked. As much as I am concerned about the pain, I wish I could say that I was pregnant. I have thought about it today. I took off work because of how I am feeling as well as other things, so I have had lots of time to think.

Am I absolutely crazy to do this when I am almost 40??

I am now on Clomid and the doctor wants me to possibly start injections of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). I am almost afraid to go through all of this again. I can not go through this pain again. The doctor wants to see me on Thursday. I will talk to him about it all.

God has a plan for me and who am I to doubt it.
About this Entry
Feb. 4th, 2013 @ 09:51 pm Fertility Blog
Current Mood: soresore
It has been a while since I last updated. I should do this more regularly, not just to document the things that are going on, but just to help me clear my mind.

I had my IUI on Friday, January 25th. It was an absolutely crazy day and ended a crazy week. It was such a cool thing to watch. I was able to see it all through the ultrasound camera.

After not having any success in getting pregnant after a nice Christmas break, my husband and I decided to take the next step. The first Dr. visit around the time of my ovulation showed only one follicle in my left ovary, despite being on fertility meds. We were hoping I would show more. It was frustrating, because my projected ovulation was 2 days later and I had a smaller egg and was showing absolutely no signs of ovulation. I went back to the Dr. four days later and I was absolutely shocked at the results of that ultrasound. Since my last visit, I developed three more follicles and the one in my left ovary had grown. I also had another decent size one in my right ovary. I immediately went home and thanked everyone who has been praying for me. The power of prayer! However, at that time, I still showed no signs of immediate ovulation, so I was told to refill my Ovidrel injection (trigger shot), administer it the following evening and come in two days later for an IUI. Things worked as they should have. :-)

Today is day 11 since the procedure. I keep a calendar on my phone (an app) that tracks my cycle information. I was projected to start yesterday. I am showing no signs of a period and I am cramping! These are not my normal monthly period cramps. I am not even going to speculate or get my hopes up. I have read so much and I am trying to justify any symptom I am feeling to those I read about. I went to the gym and got on an elliptical for about 30 minutes today in hopes my body would produce some natural pain relief. That did not work. I might take a hot bath here in a few and see if that will relax some muscles.

Anyway, I am a day late, showing no signs of a period, and still praying and waiting (and cramping).

Emotionally, I am all over the place. So, either I am starting the beginning stages of pregnancy, or I am about to have a really crappy period. Let's hope for the first option. :-)
About this Entry
Dec. 30th, 2012 @ 12:07 pm Happy Sunday
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Going to see Les Miserables with a dear friend. I am SUPER excited.
About this Entry
Dec. 29th, 2012 @ 08:31 pm Fertility blog
Current Mood: contentcontent
I went to the fertility doctor yesterday to see if I was ovulating. I have been tracking cycles and ovulation for over a year now and was projected to ovulate Thursday. On a whim, I went ahead and did an ovulation kit and showed positive ovulation (yay)! Fun day with hubby. I pray for some positive and good news next month. We will see. If not, I am definitely going to go for an IUI.

The doctor prescribed for me a pre-filled syringe of Ovidrel for Estrogen support. Only a handful of pharmacies in my area actually carry this, so I had to do some calling around. Thankful to find a place that had one left in supply. I am sure this is something pharmacies do not fill regularly at all. The pre-filled syringe was a total of $99. Insurance paid $24 and I paid $75. The doctor only wanted me to use 1/2 of the syringe and throw the rest away. So, I wasted $37.50. That did not sit well with me, but my doctor knows what he is doing. The nurse I saw yesterday told me that she had been with this doctor since he first opened his practice like 13 years ago. She told me that if the doctor tells me to stand on my head, then I should stand on my head. He is that good and apparently knows his stuff. I hear a lot of success stories from women who use him.

I hope I do not have to stand on my head. That would be a sight, that is for sure.

Yesterday was the first time ever I have given myself a shot. It was an interesting experience and not painful at all.

I left the doctor's office yesterday feeling crazy. I ended up joining an online support group for people who were 40 and trying to conceive. I e-mailed my aunt and asked her if she thought I was crazy for doing all of this. LOL, the joys of hormones!!!!!!

Oh, pre-natal vitamins absolutely rock. Seriously. I can tell a HUGE difference in how I feel when I do not take them. I was out for a week or so and finally got some more yesterday. My energy level is noticeable.
About this Entry